You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
