i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
