At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
