The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
