I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
