Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
