He had one of those small greek statue penises
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
