Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
