Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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