My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
