come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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