Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I think I sprained my soul last night
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
