Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
