captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
