i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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