I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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