he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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