For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
