Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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