I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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