My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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