Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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