he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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