she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
