I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
