Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
