Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
where are my eyebrows?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
