only you would photoshop your dick
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize