to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Semen is not good for contacts.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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