i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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