Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
