Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
