I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
