my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
