I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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