when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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