Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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