my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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