I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
