i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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