I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
