Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
