found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
