before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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