I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
