I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
