Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
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I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
God I need to hump something, right now.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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