No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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