I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
