I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize