I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
