She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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