he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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