oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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