if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
