In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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