Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
