im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize