i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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