im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
