smell my finger.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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